The World According to Ploy

October 31, 2009

To be, or not to be.

This is dedicated to Ching, a wonderful friend, fellow fan of Neverwhere, Moist von Lipwig enthusiast, my date to see the Sherlock Holmes movie this December, and, most pertinent to the matter at hand, a person who believes that the entire Twilight Saga is an offense to humankind.

This might surprise some of you, but I do not have E! on my Blackberry. What I have, however, is TIME, and I must admit that the almost-hour influx of articles is actually pretty entertaining.

I kid you not.

I wouldn’t have known that North Korea was building a hotel, or that it was nicknamed ‘The Hotel of Doom’, if it weren’t for TIME. TIME also informed me of the Marvel superhero Hell Cow. Hah. Would never have gotten that from E!

Though I do love E!, but sometimes, who is dating whom just gets annoying.

(Hmm. That was a lenghty profession of love to TIME. Let’s go back to the matter-at-hand.) So through reading TIME ,I discovered that the most popular Halloween costume this year (I’m assuming for men) is Michael Jackson. (Note: this is according to the visitor poll at Fandango.) But, seriously, do people have NO RESPECT? The man has barely been dead for a year, much less a quarter, and people are parading around dressed as him. I do realize that there may be some ‘valid’ reason for dressing up as Mr. Jackson, such as you really admire the man. But seriously, most people who are dressed up as him are just doing it just because he’s DEAD. That is, simply, offensive.

(Takes a calming breath.)

Runner-ups to Monsieur Jackson are, respectively, Wolverine and (this is where Ching comes in) Edward Cullen. Now, Wolverine I can understand. Dressing up as Wolverine is cool, not to mention it can easily be thrown together semi-last minute. Wear a wife-beater and ripped jeans. I’m sure Target or Wal-mart sells fake claws. The hair isn’t hard to emulate. Plus, Wolverine is an icon; he has his own comic-book series, a movie, and his own video game spinoffs. And, he’s been around longer than any of you reading this have.

But…But…But… EDWARD CULLEN?

Wait, let me retype: WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING!?!?!?

Well, I’m hoping the results of the Fandango poll does not materialize in real life, but if it does, I have brainstormed a few reasons for He-Who-Does-Not-Shower’s popularity:

1) Men want to be him so they can score the Slutty Nurses that are out prowling the streets.

2) It’s a very economical costume; in these trying times, it’s best to not have to invest much in something one wears for only one day a year. Recipe for success: don’t shower for three days, rub talc all over your body, drink cranberry juice to stain yourl ips, and, for added effect, make sure some juice dribbles down your chin and neck for a more bloody effect. Edward broods and frowns, rarely opening his mouth and choosing instead to communicate only through his ‘intense stares’, so you don’t have to buy those plastic fangs. (Fact: ‘fangs’ appears once in Twilight, and it was in reference to werewolf fangs, not the vampiric ones.)

3) People who are dressed up as him think that he is a MONSTROSITY – not a monster, mind you. Look, the Cullens don’t even deserve to be labeled as vampires. (Lestat is rolling in his imaginary coffin somewhere right about now.) The mere existence of Edward Cullen and his family of vegetarian vampires (Lestat, I need you!) is a monster threatning the sanity of people everywhere.

Anyways, folks, I hope you enjoy your Halloween. I’m probably going to be holed up at home watching the first season of Fringe. I wish I had my friends over for a sleepover, but schedule conflicts mean that I’ll have to throw my horror-movie night later. Oh well, all good things can wait!

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August 14, 2009

Preferred Alternate Endings to Twilight

1) It ends at the Preface. That is, it ends with the sentence “The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me.” She dies!

2) It doesn’t even begin. Now that would solve a myriad of problems (mostly chronological and oftentimes grammatical), and save me from nights of headaches.

3) Edward agrees to bite Bella’s neck with the canines-that-must-not-be-named. But then he gets too drunk with her blood and accidentally overdrinks, and she dies.

4) The entire Clan Cullen dies, from Vampire Flu. Bella runs off in the sunset – or, if you prefer, moonrise – with Jacob Black. The last paragraph could be her (or rather, Stephanie Meyer) waxing poetic about how soft his chest hair- or fur, whatever – is.

5) Jacob is hungry and eats her. Because her blood is so delicious.

6) It turns out that Bella’s father is actually also a vampire. This would cause loads more family drama!

7) It turns out that Edward is NOT a vampire, but actually some other type of supernatural being with fan—- ahem, sharp teeth and a glittering chest who is masquerading as a vampire because he knows that girls find vampire sexy.

 

Ok, I have to stop. The more I think about Twilight, the more nauseous I become (this could perhaps have to do with my recent tea biscuits binge, but I’d rather blame Twilight.)

Do you have any alternate endings you want to add? I’m sure they’ll be better than the one currently in print.

May 15, 2009

Alex Pettyfer VS. Them

Guest starring: Marisa “Ginger” T.

Round 1: Pettyfer VS “The Twilight Guy”

  

Ginger – He looked ok as Cedric, but the fact that he doesn’t shower just scares the hell out of me.
Ploy – MWAHAHAHHAHAHAH*
Ginger – Rawrrr I’m a vampire but I smell like garlic!!!
Ploy – MWAHAHAHHA*
Ginger – Jing jing a. “I’m a vampire, let me put more powder on my face, like he wants to compete for a part in memoirs of a geisha.
Ploy – Let’s google him. What’s his name?
Ginger – Errr.
Ploy – Let’s just type Cedric Diggory
Ginger – The fact that we don’t remember his name….is it Edward Cullen?
Ploy – That’s his name in Twilight, you idiot.
Ginger – Pale face. Let’s look up Mr. Pale Face. I only remember Alex Pettyfer right now.
Ploy – Hahahahha Pale Face.
Ginger – You know who he reminds me of? Marilyn Manson!
Ploy – Oh! Robert Pattinson.
Ginger – It’s like, no competition, Alex Pettyfer hands down. It’s like Alex Pettyfer can be my boyfriend and Edward Cullen can be my butler and shine my shoes.
Ploy – It’s not Edward Cullen!
Ginger – Oh yeah! Whatever his name is.
Ploy – Comparison ends.

Round 2: Pettyfer VS. “Girly Man”

    

Ginger and Ploy – MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH*
Ginger – Don’t forget to tell them who girly man is
Ploy – Zac Efron. He’s ugly
Ginger – I cannot stand his face.
Ploy – Did you watch High School Musical?
Ginger – Yeah! When he comes out and sings “It’s the start~” I want to shove something in his mouth. I know it’s mean but…he looks like he belongs with the Brady Bunch. (Though I like Brady Bunch…)
Ploy – People say he has sexy eyes. It’s disturbing eyes
Ginger – I think he kinda looks like Ken. Mind you, not always a good thing.  Zac Efron reminds me of Ken. Reminds me of my childhood where I used to turn barbie lesbian cus Ken was so not hot.  

Ploy – Eww. He looks like that (points to a picture on google)
Ginger – He doesn’t even look girly-girly.
Ploy – Disturbing
Ginger – Somehow tranvestites still look more natural to me. But that’s just me.
Ploy – End of discussion. Pettyfer wins. Again.

Round 3: Pettyfer VS. Jonas Brothers

   

Ploy – The Jonas brothers COMBINED can’t even beat Pettyfer.
Ginger – I must admit one of them looks good.
Ploy – Him? (Points to one)
Ginger – Yeah.
Ploy – What’s his name?
Ginger – I don’t remember.
Ploy – Nick?
Ginger – Try Kevin.
Ploy – Not it
Ginger – Joe? Joe Jonas. But I don’t like his ni-sai. He dumped Taylor Swift in 30 seconds, you know. On the phone.
Ploy – Eww.
Ginger – For Camilla Belle. They’re eyebrow twins. It’s the fate of the eyebrows. Though I kinda like Camille Belle.
Ploy – Hahahah.
Ginger – At least I would let Joe Jonas be my driver, cuz at least I can show him off. I’ll be dating Alex Pettyfer. Pale Face can shine my shoes. But I can’t put Zac Efron out in daylight. I still dont’ know what to do with him. Maybe he could be under the table and pick up my eraser dust.
Ploy – You’re mean.
Ginger – Hey. They’re the one with millions of dollars. Give me a break. I don’t think they care about what I have to say anyways.
Ploy – Joe Jonas actually has nice facial features, you know.
Ginger – Yeah. That’s why he can be my chauffeur. He can drive me and Alex around Pale Face has to stay home though.
Ploy – Zac?
Ginger – Lock him up in the basement. Feed him through a straw.
Ploy – So Pettyfer wins again. Hands DOWN, biatches.

The Verdict:

Ginger – I don’t think it’s like a versus anymore.
Ploy – Nope. No competition.
Ginger – The Hot versus The Nots.
Ploy – Yeah!

 

PS. These are just 0ur OPINIONS. Maybe you think Alex Pettyfer looks like crap and __________ is the hottest person in the universe. That would be your opinion and we would respect it, too.

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