The World According to Ploy

October 31, 2009

To be, or not to be.

This is dedicated to Ching, a wonderful friend, fellow fan of Neverwhere, Moist von Lipwig enthusiast, my date to see the Sherlock Holmes movie this December, and, most pertinent to the matter at hand, a person who believes that the entire Twilight Saga is an offense to humankind.

This might surprise some of you, but I do not have E! on my Blackberry. What I have, however, is TIME, and I must admit that the almost-hour influx of articles is actually pretty entertaining.

I kid you not.

I wouldn’t have known that North Korea was building a hotel, or that it was nicknamed ‘The Hotel of Doom’, if it weren’t for TIME. TIME also informed me of the Marvel superhero Hell Cow. Hah. Would never have gotten that from E!

Though I do love E!, but sometimes, who is dating whom just gets annoying.

(Hmm. That was a lenghty profession of love to TIME. Let’s go back to the matter-at-hand.) So through reading TIME ,I discovered that the most popular Halloween costume this year (I’m assuming for men) is Michael Jackson. (Note: this is according to the visitor poll at Fandango.) But, seriously, do people have NO RESPECT? The man has barely been dead for a year, much less a quarter, and people are parading around dressed as him. I do realize that there may be some ‘valid’ reason for dressing up as Mr. Jackson, such as you really admire the man. But seriously, most people who are dressed up as him are just doing it just because he’s DEAD. That is, simply, offensive.

(Takes a calming breath.)

Runner-ups to Monsieur Jackson are, respectively, Wolverine and (this is where Ching comes in) Edward Cullen. Now, Wolverine I can understand. Dressing up as Wolverine is cool, not to mention it can easily be thrown together semi-last minute. Wear a wife-beater and ripped jeans. I’m sure Target or Wal-mart sells fake claws. The hair isn’t hard to emulate. Plus, Wolverine is an icon; he has his own comic-book series, a movie, and his own video game spinoffs. And, he’s been around longer than any of you reading this have.

But…But…But… EDWARD CULLEN?

Wait, let me retype: WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING!?!?!?

Well, I’m hoping the results of the Fandango poll does not materialize in real life, but if it does, I have brainstormed a few reasons for He-Who-Does-Not-Shower’s popularity:

1) Men want to be him so they can score the Slutty Nurses that are out prowling the streets.

2) It’s a very economical costume; in these trying times, it’s best to not have to invest much in something one wears for only one day a year. Recipe for success: don’t shower for three days, rub talc all over your body, drink cranberry juice to stain yourl ips, and, for added effect, make sure some juice dribbles down your chin and neck for a more bloody effect. Edward broods and frowns, rarely opening his mouth and choosing instead to communicate only through his ‘intense stares’, so you don’t have to buy those plastic fangs. (Fact: ‘fangs’ appears once in Twilight, and it was in reference to werewolf fangs, not the vampiric ones.)

3) People who are dressed up as him think that he is a MONSTROSITY – not a monster, mind you. Look, the Cullens don’t even deserve to be labeled as vampires. (Lestat is rolling in his imaginary coffin somewhere right about now.) The mere existence of Edward Cullen and his family of vegetarian vampires (Lestat, I need you!) is a monster threatning the sanity of people everywhere.

Anyways, folks, I hope you enjoy your Halloween. I’m probably going to be holed up at home watching the first season of Fringe. I wish I had my friends over for a sleepover, but schedule conflicts mean that I’ll have to throw my horror-movie night later. Oh well, all good things can wait!

August 14, 2009

Preferred Alternate Endings to Twilight

1) It ends at the Preface. That is, it ends with the sentence “The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me.” She dies!

2) It doesn’t even begin. Now that would solve a myriad of problems (mostly chronological and oftentimes grammatical), and save me from nights of headaches.

3) Edward agrees to bite Bella’s neck with the canines-that-must-not-be-named. But then he gets too drunk with her blood and accidentally overdrinks, and she dies.

4) The entire Clan Cullen dies, from Vampire Flu. Bella runs off in the sunset – or, if you prefer, moonrise – with Jacob Black. The last paragraph could be her (or rather, Stephanie Meyer) waxing poetic about how soft his chest hair- or fur, whatever – is.

5) Jacob is hungry and eats her. Because her blood is so delicious.

6) It turns out that Bella’s father is actually also a vampire. This would cause loads more family drama!

7) It turns out that Edward is NOT a vampire, but actually some other type of supernatural being with fan—- ahem, sharp teeth and a glittering chest who is masquerading as a vampire because he knows that girls find vampire sexy.

 

Ok, I have to stop. The more I think about Twilight, the more nauseous I become (this could perhaps have to do with my recent tea biscuits binge, but I’d rather blame Twilight.)

Do you have any alternate endings you want to add? I’m sure they’ll be better than the one currently in print.

May 15, 2009

Alex Pettyfer VS. Them

Guest starring: Marisa “Ginger” T.

Round 1: Pettyfer VS “The Twilight Guy”

  

Ginger – He looked ok as Cedric, but the fact that he doesn’t shower just scares the hell out of me.
Ploy – MWAHAHAHHAHAHAH*
Ginger – Rawrrr I’m a vampire but I smell like garlic!!!
Ploy – MWAHAHAHHA*
Ginger – Jing jing a. “I’m a vampire, let me put more powder on my face, like he wants to compete for a part in memoirs of a geisha.
Ploy – Let’s google him. What’s his name?
Ginger – Errr.
Ploy – Let’s just type Cedric Diggory
Ginger – The fact that we don’t remember his name….is it Edward Cullen?
Ploy – That’s his name in Twilight, you idiot.
Ginger – Pale face. Let’s look up Mr. Pale Face. I only remember Alex Pettyfer right now.
Ploy – Hahahahha Pale Face.
Ginger – You know who he reminds me of? Marilyn Manson!
Ploy – Oh! Robert Pattinson.
Ginger – It’s like, no competition, Alex Pettyfer hands down. It’s like Alex Pettyfer can be my boyfriend and Edward Cullen can be my butler and shine my shoes.
Ploy – It’s not Edward Cullen!
Ginger – Oh yeah! Whatever his name is.
Ploy – Comparison ends.

Round 2: Pettyfer VS. “Girly Man”

    

Ginger and Ploy – MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH*
Ginger – Don’t forget to tell them who girly man is
Ploy – Zac Efron. He’s ugly
Ginger – I cannot stand his face.
Ploy – Did you watch High School Musical?
Ginger – Yeah! When he comes out and sings “It’s the start~” I want to shove something in his mouth. I know it’s mean but…he looks like he belongs with the Brady Bunch. (Though I like Brady Bunch…)
Ploy – People say he has sexy eyes. It’s disturbing eyes
Ginger – I think he kinda looks like Ken. Mind you, not always a good thing.  Zac Efron reminds me of Ken. Reminds me of my childhood where I used to turn barbie lesbian cus Ken was so not hot.  

Ploy – Eww. He looks like that (points to a picture on google)
Ginger – He doesn’t even look girly-girly.
Ploy – Disturbing
Ginger – Somehow tranvestites still look more natural to me. But that’s just me.
Ploy – End of discussion. Pettyfer wins. Again.

Round 3: Pettyfer VS. Jonas Brothers

   

Ploy – The Jonas brothers COMBINED can’t even beat Pettyfer.
Ginger – I must admit one of them looks good.
Ploy – Him? (Points to one)
Ginger – Yeah.
Ploy – What’s his name?
Ginger – I don’t remember.
Ploy – Nick?
Ginger – Try Kevin.
Ploy – Not it
Ginger – Joe? Joe Jonas. But I don’t like his ni-sai. He dumped Taylor Swift in 30 seconds, you know. On the phone.
Ploy – Eww.
Ginger – For Camilla Belle. They’re eyebrow twins. It’s the fate of the eyebrows. Though I kinda like Camille Belle.
Ploy – Hahahah.
Ginger – At least I would let Joe Jonas be my driver, cuz at least I can show him off. I’ll be dating Alex Pettyfer. Pale Face can shine my shoes. But I can’t put Zac Efron out in daylight. I still dont’ know what to do with him. Maybe he could be under the table and pick up my eraser dust.
Ploy – You’re mean.
Ginger – Hey. They’re the one with millions of dollars. Give me a break. I don’t think they care about what I have to say anyways.
Ploy – Joe Jonas actually has nice facial features, you know.
Ginger – Yeah. That’s why he can be my chauffeur. He can drive me and Alex around Pale Face has to stay home though.
Ploy – Zac?
Ginger – Lock him up in the basement. Feed him through a straw.
Ploy – So Pettyfer wins again. Hands DOWN, biatches.

The Verdict:

Ginger – I don’t think it’s like a versus anymore.
Ploy – Nope. No competition.
Ginger – The Hot versus The Nots.
Ploy – Yeah!

 

PS. These are just 0ur OPINIONS. Maybe you think Alex Pettyfer looks like crap and __________ is the hottest person in the universe. That would be your opinion and we would respect it, too.

January 14, 2009

“7 Ways to Make Him Ache for You”

Filed under: Galling But True,Pop Culture — by Ploy @ 6:50 pm

Guest Starring: Marisa “Ginger” T.

1) UTTER THE ONE WORD THAT DRIVES HIM NUTS

Cosmo says: As lovey-dovey as pet names make him feel, they still don’t compare to the electrifying rush your man gets when his name crosses your lips. “Just hearing it is an aphrodisiac,” says body-language expert Eve Marx, author of Read My Hips. “It ratches up his desire because the message you send is ‘It’s you I’m thinking about and no one else.’ And men need to hear that – it’s tied to their primal uge to beat out all the competition. However, just blurting out his moniker as often as possible isn’t going to do it for him. You need to make it could…drop it into conversation in surprising spots and pause for a beat or two: “And then…I slam the door behind me.”

Ginger says: What if his name is “John Jacob Jingleheimersmith”? Sing it! John Jacob Jingleheimersmith! John Jacob Jingleheimersmith! John Jacob Jingleheimersmith! Whenever he goes out, the people always shout John Jacob Jingleheimersmith! Nanananananana…By the time you finish saying that name he’d be so proud.

Ploy says: “Hey, would you go get me some drinks? …What would I JIN! like? Hmm…let me JIN! think for a second. What about just a JIN! beer? Ok, now you run along and fetch me that beer and I’m going off to mingle with my girlfriends. Ta!”. Yes, that would make him nuts alright.

2) REACH INTO HIS POCKETS FOR KEYS

Cosmo says: Well, more than just the keys. The lesson is this: “Never underestimate the power of an unexpected touch,” says David Niven, Ph.D., author of the Too Simple Secrets of Great Relationships…From now on, be on the lookout for opportune moments to touch him ‘accidentally.”

Ginger says: “Honey let me get your keys!” “Oh no these pants don’t have any pockets” “I don’t care I’m going to grope down south for keys anyways!”

Ploy says: “Groping To Get Your Man.” Someone should write a book.

3) KEEP HIM OUT OF THE LOOP

Cosmo says: The funny thing about men is that telling them less about your life makes them long for you for you more. So as much as you might want to share the minutiae of your bitchy workplace or your take on the latest Grey’s Anatomy plot twist, hold back. So to hook him in, when you’re chatting, give him the conclusion of the conversation first. For instance, “I got the job,” or “I saw your buddy Mark,” and then stop and wait.

Ginger says: “I ran over your dog today.” Stop and wait. He goes “What? What happened? Tell me!” You go, “Oh, nothing!”

Ploy says: There is a fine line between “mysterious woman” and “incoherent idiot”. Please be mindful when employing this strategy.

4) MAKE SMALL CHANGES FOR BIG RESULTS

Cosmo says: Caroline, 26, had gotten haircuts in the past that her guy hadn’t noticed at all, but when she had her brunette crown streaked, he was all over her. “Jake couldn’t stop touching me – he couldn’t believe he was fooling around with a redhead,” she says. The reason her new  ‘do drove him nuts: “Men register eye-catching changes to your appearance, and it draws them to you,” says Lori Buckley, Psy.D….There’s a catch, though: if you want to snag his immediate interesting, the change has to be guy-visible.

Ginger says: This one I can’t think of anything to say. The thing they have is already stupid enough.

Ploy says: The article goes on to suggest ways to depart from your everyday look, including, but not limited to “take a break from your jeans routine and strut around in a miniskirt” and “ditch your bra for a day and put a little extra bounce in your step.”  Well, really, if they don’t notice these things, especially the latter, then the boyfriend is clearly blind.

 5) COMPLIMENT HIM THE RIGHT WAY

Cosmo says: Just because men don’t fish for flattery (when was the last time you heard a guy ask, “Honey, do my pecs look small in this shirt?”) doesn’t mean they don’t love ego stroking…But there’s a trick to buttering up your guy right…when you give him props, stick to this tip: the more obsure and exclusive the praise to him, the more genuine it feels. That’s why Molly, 31, casually praises her guy’s kitchen-cleaning prowess. “Tom is anal about wiping down the counters, so whenever I go to cook and they’re clean, I say how much I love it.”

Ginger says: “Oh honey you’re so hott. The way you wipe the counter. Let me caress your beautiful manly pecs while you do the Mr. Clean for me!” or you could go all dominatrix and go “Do those dishes bitch and wipe them clean!” Oh my God, is this about a man or a man-whore? Also imagine if you met your husband in a market, a Thai one, with durians.

Ploy says: Hahahaha, Eau de Durian? Well, I pray I will never live to hear a guy ask me for my opinions of his pecs. In the unfortunate case that I do, I’m sure my agony will be short-lived as I will probably immediately die. Frankly, this article portrays mankind as having less intelligence than a pot of petunias. Oh, well, we have two more ‘Ways’ to go. Let’s see if it can get worse.

6) GIVE HIM A SENSORY FLASHBACK

Cosmo says: Think about when you first fell for your guy. What reminds you both of that time (aside fro the conniption fit you had every time the phone rang)? “When he experiences something that he associates with falling in love with you, those intense, sensual memories trigger a positive physical reaction and generate instant longing,” says Bernstein. Case in point: “The smell of sunscreen and chlorine makes me crave my wife,” says Peter, 28. “It takes me back to when we were in high school and she worked summers as a lifeguard at a pool.”

Ginger says:  “The smell of sunscreen makes me crave my wife.” This is already funny!

Ploy says: Conniption (n.) a fit of anger or panic. I will now remember this word as ‘the word I learned from Cosmopolitan’.

7) CHECK OUT HIS COMPETITION

Cosmo says: Lust works in bizarre ways. Get this: if you want to renew your man’s passion for you, slyly capture the eye of another guy. Aimee, 27, knows all about this surprising strategy: “When I get dressed up and guys at the bar check me out, I know Will’s thinking, ‘Yeah, that’s right. She’s with me, suckers,” she says. “And he’s definitely clingier when he can smell the competition”

Ginger says:  What if you’re in college and you go “Oh Professor, you’re so hott! I love your astronomical units!”? I think you’re boyfriend would be scared.

Ploy says: Yes, trust Aimee, 27, why don’t we?

 

 

Source: Cosmopolitan India, June 2006

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