The World According to Ploy

October 31, 2009

To be, or not to be.

This is dedicated to Ching, a wonderful friend, fellow fan of Neverwhere, Moist von Lipwig enthusiast, my date to see the Sherlock Holmes movie this December, and, most pertinent to the matter at hand, a person who believes that the entire Twilight Saga is an offense to humankind.

This might surprise some of you, but I do not have E! on my Blackberry. What I have, however, is TIME, and I must admit that the almost-hour influx of articles is actually pretty entertaining.

I kid you not.

I wouldn’t have known that North Korea was building a hotel, or that it was nicknamed ‘The Hotel of Doom’, if it weren’t for TIME. TIME also informed me of the Marvel superhero Hell Cow. Hah. Would never have gotten that from E!

Though I do love E!, but sometimes, who is dating whom just gets annoying.

(Hmm. That was a lenghty profession of love to TIME. Let’s go back to the matter-at-hand.) So through reading TIME ,I discovered that the most popular Halloween costume this year (I’m assuming for men) is Michael Jackson. (Note: this is according to the visitor poll at Fandango.) But, seriously, do people have NO RESPECT? The man has barely been dead for a year, much less a quarter, and people are parading around dressed as him. I do realize that there may be some ‘valid’ reason for dressing up as Mr. Jackson, such as you really admire the man. But seriously, most people who are dressed up as him are just doing it just because he’s DEAD. That is, simply, offensive.

(Takes a calming breath.)

Runner-ups to Monsieur Jackson are, respectively, Wolverine and (this is where Ching comes in) Edward Cullen. Now, Wolverine I can understand. Dressing up as Wolverine is cool, not to mention it can easily be thrown together semi-last minute. Wear a wife-beater and ripped jeans. I’m sure Target or Wal-mart sells fake claws. The hair isn’t hard to emulate. Plus, Wolverine is an icon; he has his own comic-book series, a movie, and his own video game spinoffs. And, he’s been around longer than any of you reading this have.

But…But…But… EDWARD CULLEN?

Wait, let me retype: WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING!?!?!?

Well, I’m hoping the results of the Fandango poll does not materialize in real life, but if it does, I have brainstormed a few reasons for He-Who-Does-Not-Shower’s popularity:

1) Men want to be him so they can score the Slutty Nurses that are out prowling the streets.

2) It’s a very economical costume; in these trying times, it’s best to not have to invest much in something one wears for only one day a year. Recipe for success: don’t shower for three days, rub talc all over your body, drink cranberry juice to stain yourl ips, and, for added effect, make sure some juice dribbles down your chin and neck for a more bloody effect. Edward broods and frowns, rarely opening his mouth and choosing instead to communicate only through his ‘intense stares’, so you don’t have to buy those plastic fangs. (Fact: ‘fangs’ appears once in Twilight, and it was in reference to werewolf fangs, not the vampiric ones.)

3) People who are dressed up as him think that he is a MONSTROSITY – not a monster, mind you. Look, the Cullens don’t even deserve to be labeled as vampires. (Lestat is rolling in his imaginary coffin somewhere right about now.) The mere existence of Edward Cullen and his family of vegetarian vampires (Lestat, I need you!) is a monster threatning the sanity of people everywhere.

Anyways, folks, I hope you enjoy your Halloween. I’m probably going to be holed up at home watching the first season of Fringe. I wish I had my friends over for a sleepover, but schedule conflicts mean that I’ll have to throw my horror-movie night later. Oh well, all good things can wait!

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February 8, 2009

Comrade Fergie (the Pea, not the Duchess)

Filed under: Galling But True,Gnomes — by Ploy @ 2:49 pm

I love the picture below.
I really, really do.

 [Pic from justjared.com]

Fergie & Taylor Swift

Fergie & Taylor Swift

January 30, 2009

Leggings

Filed under: Fashion,Galling But True — by Ploy @ 6:02 pm

are not pants.

Here, let’s start off with what Dictionary.com says about leggings

(n.) a covering for the leg, usually extending from the ankle to the knee but sometimes higher, worn by soldiers, riders, workers, etc.

Then here is what it says about pants (FYI: I was linked to the entry for trousers)

(n.) Sometimes, trouser. Also called pants. a usually loose-fitting outer garment for the lower part of the body, having individual leg portions that reach typically to the ankle but sometimes to any of various other points from the upper leg down.

Do you notice something? “Loose-fitting”. Ok, fine, I know that in this day and age, there are those I-don’t-have-an-idea-how-a-person-could-squeeze-into-that super-skinny jeans. But even those jeans are, essentially, not hugging your entire lower body with every fiber of its being.

Get this: while skinny pants may hug your legs tighter than I (hope to one day) hug Akanishi Jin, they do not, and in case you didn’t see that, NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT hug your crotch or outline your ass.

Look, I like leggings. During the colder days (I absolutely refuse to use the word ‘winter’), they surprisingly keep you warm. They’re also great for increased modesty, when you’re wearing something that’s not too short but, well, “just in case” things go wrong. And yes, they’re pretty cool as a fashion item.

But THEY ARE NOT PANTS.

When the leggings trend first hit, people paired them with dresses or short-shorts . And then I began seeing girls wearing leggings with, well, actually, without anything else?

Just because your – not you, of course, just a pronoun with no actual recipient- t-shirt is longer than the average t-shirt, that does NOT make it a dress. Ergo, do not wear it with leggings sans shorts or a skirt. It looks like you forgot to pull on a bottom piece. Never be dressed in a way that people will think “Did that girl forget to pull on her pants?”

In my opinion, you can wear a long t-shirt with leggings. What defines long? Well, if you bend over and the top still covers your ass, then it is long. Even if it covers your front, if you bend over and your buttcheeks play peek-a-boo with the word, then baby, seriously. Though you cover ’em up with spandex, you’d still flash the person behind you.

This evening at Paragon, Book and I were at the foot of the escalator going up to the 3rd floor.

I looked up and muttered, “Leggings are not pants.”

Oh shit,” Book said.

We boarded the escalator, and so did the girl, who was around our age. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, though I was certainly staring. Yes, it was rude but she was on the phone, so she didn’t notice. Perhaps she was on the phone too while she was dressing up?

“Is she insane?” Book, who looked utterly shocked and appallled, asked once we were clear.

It was a rhetorical question. Clearly, she (strange girl, not Book) was insane. No sane person could, would, even SHOULD go out dressed like that. The leggings were a little shiny, almost spandex-y, black and reaching to the ankles. She wore a Comme de Garcons white shirt, which reached about 2 inches below her belly button (read: visible crocthline), which was actually rather sheer. In my entire experience of seeing poor misinformed women who think that leggings are pants, this girl was Exhibit A. She was worse than all the t-shirts&leggings cases. The victims – or perpetrators, really – of those faux pas could perhaps could argue something in front of a judge. But this girl? She would just have to plead insanity.

My last words of the day: Just because they have two tube-ish outlets for your legs to push through, this fact does not make them pants, any more than the fact that because chimpanzees share 98.8% of our genes with humans does not make them, well, humans.

This madness has to stop. Seriously.

 

 
PS. http://leggingsarenotpants.wordpress.com/ shows what I mean exactly.

January 14, 2009

“7 Ways to Make Him Ache for You”

Filed under: Galling But True,Pop Culture — by Ploy @ 6:50 pm

Guest Starring: Marisa “Ginger” T.

1) UTTER THE ONE WORD THAT DRIVES HIM NUTS

Cosmo says: As lovey-dovey as pet names make him feel, they still don’t compare to the electrifying rush your man gets when his name crosses your lips. “Just hearing it is an aphrodisiac,” says body-language expert Eve Marx, author of Read My Hips. “It ratches up his desire because the message you send is ‘It’s you I’m thinking about and no one else.’ And men need to hear that – it’s tied to their primal uge to beat out all the competition. However, just blurting out his moniker as often as possible isn’t going to do it for him. You need to make it could…drop it into conversation in surprising spots and pause for a beat or two: “And then…I slam the door behind me.”

Ginger says: What if his name is “John Jacob Jingleheimersmith”? Sing it! John Jacob Jingleheimersmith! John Jacob Jingleheimersmith! John Jacob Jingleheimersmith! Whenever he goes out, the people always shout John Jacob Jingleheimersmith! Nanananananana…By the time you finish saying that name he’d be so proud.

Ploy says: “Hey, would you go get me some drinks? …What would I JIN! like? Hmm…let me JIN! think for a second. What about just a JIN! beer? Ok, now you run along and fetch me that beer and I’m going off to mingle with my girlfriends. Ta!”. Yes, that would make him nuts alright.

2) REACH INTO HIS POCKETS FOR KEYS

Cosmo says: Well, more than just the keys. The lesson is this: “Never underestimate the power of an unexpected touch,” says David Niven, Ph.D., author of the Too Simple Secrets of Great Relationships…From now on, be on the lookout for opportune moments to touch him ‘accidentally.”

Ginger says: “Honey let me get your keys!” “Oh no these pants don’t have any pockets” “I don’t care I’m going to grope down south for keys anyways!”

Ploy says: “Groping To Get Your Man.” Someone should write a book.

3) KEEP HIM OUT OF THE LOOP

Cosmo says: The funny thing about men is that telling them less about your life makes them long for you for you more. So as much as you might want to share the minutiae of your bitchy workplace or your take on the latest Grey’s Anatomy plot twist, hold back. So to hook him in, when you’re chatting, give him the conclusion of the conversation first. For instance, “I got the job,” or “I saw your buddy Mark,” and then stop and wait.

Ginger says: “I ran over your dog today.” Stop and wait. He goes “What? What happened? Tell me!” You go, “Oh, nothing!”

Ploy says: There is a fine line between “mysterious woman” and “incoherent idiot”. Please be mindful when employing this strategy.

4) MAKE SMALL CHANGES FOR BIG RESULTS

Cosmo says: Caroline, 26, had gotten haircuts in the past that her guy hadn’t noticed at all, but when she had her brunette crown streaked, he was all over her. “Jake couldn’t stop touching me – he couldn’t believe he was fooling around with a redhead,” she says. The reason her new  ‘do drove him nuts: “Men register eye-catching changes to your appearance, and it draws them to you,” says Lori Buckley, Psy.D….There’s a catch, though: if you want to snag his immediate interesting, the change has to be guy-visible.

Ginger says: This one I can’t think of anything to say. The thing they have is already stupid enough.

Ploy says: The article goes on to suggest ways to depart from your everyday look, including, but not limited to “take a break from your jeans routine and strut around in a miniskirt” and “ditch your bra for a day and put a little extra bounce in your step.”  Well, really, if they don’t notice these things, especially the latter, then the boyfriend is clearly blind.

 5) COMPLIMENT HIM THE RIGHT WAY

Cosmo says: Just because men don’t fish for flattery (when was the last time you heard a guy ask, “Honey, do my pecs look small in this shirt?”) doesn’t mean they don’t love ego stroking…But there’s a trick to buttering up your guy right…when you give him props, stick to this tip: the more obsure and exclusive the praise to him, the more genuine it feels. That’s why Molly, 31, casually praises her guy’s kitchen-cleaning prowess. “Tom is anal about wiping down the counters, so whenever I go to cook and they’re clean, I say how much I love it.”

Ginger says: “Oh honey you’re so hott. The way you wipe the counter. Let me caress your beautiful manly pecs while you do the Mr. Clean for me!” or you could go all dominatrix and go “Do those dishes bitch and wipe them clean!” Oh my God, is this about a man or a man-whore? Also imagine if you met your husband in a market, a Thai one, with durians.

Ploy says: Hahahaha, Eau de Durian? Well, I pray I will never live to hear a guy ask me for my opinions of his pecs. In the unfortunate case that I do, I’m sure my agony will be short-lived as I will probably immediately die. Frankly, this article portrays mankind as having less intelligence than a pot of petunias. Oh, well, we have two more ‘Ways’ to go. Let’s see if it can get worse.

6) GIVE HIM A SENSORY FLASHBACK

Cosmo says: Think about when you first fell for your guy. What reminds you both of that time (aside fro the conniption fit you had every time the phone rang)? “When he experiences something that he associates with falling in love with you, those intense, sensual memories trigger a positive physical reaction and generate instant longing,” says Bernstein. Case in point: “The smell of sunscreen and chlorine makes me crave my wife,” says Peter, 28. “It takes me back to when we were in high school and she worked summers as a lifeguard at a pool.”

Ginger says:  “The smell of sunscreen makes me crave my wife.” This is already funny!

Ploy says: Conniption (n.) a fit of anger or panic. I will now remember this word as ‘the word I learned from Cosmopolitan’.

7) CHECK OUT HIS COMPETITION

Cosmo says: Lust works in bizarre ways. Get this: if you want to renew your man’s passion for you, slyly capture the eye of another guy. Aimee, 27, knows all about this surprising strategy: “When I get dressed up and guys at the bar check me out, I know Will’s thinking, ‘Yeah, that’s right. She’s with me, suckers,” she says. “And he’s definitely clingier when he can smell the competition”

Ginger says:  What if you’re in college and you go “Oh Professor, you’re so hott! I love your astronomical units!”? I think you’re boyfriend would be scared.

Ploy says: Yes, trust Aimee, 27, why don’t we?

 

 

Source: Cosmopolitan India, June 2006

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